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| Russ | ..so that's why now i can remember it as if it
were yesterday. Remmi was drunk again on gin
and cabbage juice. She staggered to the mirror
and started brushing her hair. Slurring her
words she told me to get out of her sight and
threw the brush at me. It hit me square on the
chin. Although remmi was strong for a hamster
i hardly felt it at all physically. But
emotionally, the scar wasn't to fade for some
time. I left without a word.
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| Russ | NOTICE:
Alright, i'm having the goat herding mother of
a pointless, bad mojo, karma warping evil of a
crouch into a ball and hope for sponaeneous
combustion morning. If anyone has any silly
joke emails, anecdotes or general mood
enhancing doovers please feel free to send
them my way. I need to turn this bitch of a
morning into a productive one. Thanx ppls.
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| Russ | Your previous scheduled program of Remmi - The
hamster years has been taken off the air for a
bit, while the censors go over some of the
latest more raunchier installment's. In the
mean time we are airing a few pilots of the
Where are they now - Disney character's
documentary which we are currently in a deal
to subcond it to the BBC. Be sure to watch
out for the disney installments in the coming
icq's.
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| Russ | ..so mickey opened a pool hall called mickey's
joint. Minnie and he are having problems.
They have an on again off again relationship.
With fights and arguments. She became a
tabletop dancer at his establishment but after
their last row, she's working for donald who
has a rival hall. Mickey's currently trying
to win her back by playing on donald's
suspected involvement in the mafia.
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| Russ | The papers have it all wrong though as really
it's mickey who is the dodgier as good sources
tell us. He has close connections in the
italian cosa notre but he keeps it well
hidden as all good mafia bosses do. He's
hired betty boop to dance at his club in an
effort to make minnie jealous. Which so far
has only made her angrier, but secretly she is
still yearning for him, and feeling awfully
guilty about the affair she had with goofy.
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| Russ | Hewy, dewy and louie, have grown up, beefed up
and are working as bouncer's for donald's
place. They now go by the names Harry, Dwane
and Louis.
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| Russ | Well as you know pluto can't talk so he's had
to do alot of emailing and letter writing. So
far mickey doesn't have a clue that pluto is
doing this. Authorities are looking into it,
but they have suspicions that he is trying to
frame mickey and taint his good wholsome
image. They are taking it into consideration
that he might have inside information but they
are weary that pluto might just be jealous of
all the attention minnie has been getting.
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| Russ | i got a georgiagirls password nee ner nee ner
neee nerr
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| MadDog | well you seem happy with yourself... your
gloating is futile however, as I dont know
what youre on about...
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| Russ | ..so how could i respond negativly? When a
hamster offers you a shot of her last good
twenty year old irish carrot juice how can you
refuse the lady? Personally i think she was
just trying to get me drunk so she could break
the news of her possible deportation to me
without me being too upset. Being an illegal
french hamster in an unforgiving australian
land must have been tough. Always having to
look out to save yer own fur..
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| Russ | ..so life after that got a bit rough. You
could tell be the way she was constantly
washing her whiskers that she was worried
about her pending deportation. Would she run
again like all the other times before or would
she stay to face the music. I think at the
time she didn't even know that herself. Then
as she stepping into her jogging wheel and
started spinning it around and around i
couldn't help but think that it was art
imitating life..
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| Russ | ..so i said "so what yer trying to tell me is
that there were three little pigs.. not two,
and that the wolf lost in the end?? My friend
you have got to be joking i don't think i want
to be hearing from you again." and hung up...
In hind sight my days a a childrens story book
editor may have been short lived but at least
i can say that i stuck to my guns the whole
time.
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| Russ | ..so i accused a couple of todlers in my
playgroup of being on smack so what. Those
kids adored me. I didn't think the parents
would get so pissed they'd have me fired. I
still think i was right. They couldn't walk
straight, they didn't seem to have much on an
attention span, they couldn't hold up an
intelligable conversation and they kept
spitting up on me when i changed them. Ok they
were only a year old but addicts always have
some excuse.
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| MadDog | you said a square word... um ahhhh
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| Russ | which one i said many.
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| MadDog | umm.. the 2nd one...
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| Russ | oh yes that. it was rather square of me
wasn't it.
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| MadDog | yeah.... ummmm aaaahhhh... im dobyn
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| Russ | Just try it dog boy, i'll rip your paws o....
um... ok you can dob if you like.
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| MadDog | No... no... i... err.. would.. never do that..
to you...
please dont kill me
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| Russ | Sorry i'm in an ultra violent frame of mind
this morning... um... yeah.... there is no
threat of you falling to an untimely demise.
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| MadDog | may I aid you in killing your oppressors?
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| Russ | Go right ahead you may sniff them out for me.
We'll see how we go from there.
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| MadDog | aye skipper!
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| Russ | Well get sniffen little buddy.
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| MadDog | *goes off sniffin*
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| Russ | yeah!
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| Russ | call off the hounds! my pay went through.
You can maul them still a bit thoguh if you
like.
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| MadDog | *pokes evil pay-roll staff with a freshly
sharpened HB pencil*
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| Russ | when was the last time you washed yer coat
mad? Who's a smelly little dog then eh... eh?
You are... yes you are boy yes you are.
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| MadDog | I have fists of fury....
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| Russ | And i have feet of ferocity but try telling
that to the judges..
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| MadDog | i dont quite know what to say to that....
oh hang on... yes I do...
... you are!
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| Russ | eh.. bu.. wha... man there isn't a come back
in the world to that one... oh hang on yes
there is.... naaahh you are!!
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| MadDog | you win man.. youre just way too witty man...
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| Russ | witty?? nah, i know you are but what am i?...
oh witty's good isn't it..
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| Russ | what can i say i'm just one big pile of wit.
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| MadDog | youre positively up to your neck in it...
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| Russ | someone called me a fuckwit once is that
close?
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| MadDog | that is wittiness of the highest order...
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| Russ | yeah i thought so too but when i complimented
the dean by calling him that he didn't
appreciate it much. He's a very modest man
you see, it must have stroked his ego a bit
too much.
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| MadDog | yeah.. that wacky dean... you should rig up a
bra cannon to go off and shower the crowd with
undergarments when he makes his end of year
speech
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| Russ | I thought of that too but instead at his big
speech i showed my appreciation by getting up
in front of the crowd and telling him just how
much of a fuckwit he really is. He looked a
bit mad that i'd gone to so much trouble but
when the crowd joined in in a round of cheers
and applause in honoring how much of a fuckwit
we all thought he was he didn't have much more
to say.
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| Russ | I just saw an old guy wandering around in the
law library, with an old style brown doctors
bag, and old style brown tweed three peice
suit and wearing just above ankle high spice
girls gumboots. Now that guy is a complete
legend.
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| MadDog | did you get an autograph...
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| Russ | in fact no, dammit.
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| MadDog | dang it... you should always have a pen
handy...
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| Russ | I do but i didn't have my old guy in gumboots
collectors edition spice girls autograph book
on me.
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| Russ | ..so maybe framing jeffy kennett with the
ambulance cover up scandal just before the
election was a mean thing of me to do. But
how was i to know that it would put secret
go-go dancer and long time closet cross
dresser mr "squidgy" bracks in power.
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| Russ | ever had one of those bones?
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| MadDog | yeah,,, the ones with that weird gristly stuff
at the end... they suck big time..
comiserations, old bean...
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| Russ | Comradary in boneship. I knew i could count
on you to sympathise.
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| MadDog | look to the bone!
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| Russ | or, speak to the bone 'cos the ears ain't
listenin!
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| Russ | ..so y'know i just got into one of those
moods. The one's where even creedence doesn't
bring you back from the brink and enya is no
where to be seen. How could the police put me
in that sort of situation, explaining to a
group of grade four pupils that i could no
longer teach then 'cos in their eyes drug
trafficking was a "federal offence" gee i mean
really the sixteen kilo's they caught me with
wasn't even a quarter of the whole shipment.
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