The following is one of those bizzare stories that you see people write in forums and the like where the participants take turns to construct the story. I found these old pages from the OzChat Posting Board and decided to put them all together here. Enjoy. |
Don't try this at home |
The dust settles... the radioactive smog clears...
Up from the ground rises MadDog, Hatch and Zen... MadDog turns to Hatch...
"I knew we shouldn't have mixed those chemicals together"
"But it was only toothpaste, shampoo and Detol"
"Well know we know..."
Zen pipes up.
"Will you guys shut up and help me find some more survivors?"
"Sorry."
The trio roams the world, only finding burned out corpses and leveled buildings.... but then... someone rises from the ashes... in one hand a shovel, the other, a bowl of mango jelly.
"Hi Digger!", they all cheer!
"Hi folks!..."
And so it is that this band of four young hopefuls set off to find survivors and attempt to populate the world to its once proud state...
Zen stammers... "P.. Populate?"
She scans the area for another female, but only sees three widely grinning guys.
"Gulp!"
A roar in the distance...
MadDog gapes.
"Jesus fellas... She's alive… It's Tank... with her Tank"
Tankie approaches (looking fabulous thanks to her trusty manual on Post-Apocalyptic feminine hygiene & beauty care).
She aims the Tank at the 'boys'.
"Feeling a little inadequate?"
Zen is in awe…
"The sheer size of it!"
Tank hands each contender for the new world a plastic cup.
"Here, we'll be conducting genetic screening before any breeding takes place... up to it?"
Zen smirks & gives them each a back issue of the Victoria's Secret catalogue.
Tank yells at the 'beauty contestants':
"Oh for God's sake, not here! Round the back of the Tank"
The boys shuffle off…
Zen & Tank go into gales of laughter.
"Suckers!"
The group travel for endless days until finally they come across a statue of Strych. They bow their heads for a moment to remember their dear departed friend...
"Who farted?"
The four look up to find that it wasn't a statue of Strych at all! It WAS Strych. She was totally covered head to toe in grey ash. Hatch is the first to speak:
"Strych! Man, I thought you were dead!"
"Nar, I was taking a slash in my homemade lead-shielded crapper, and then BOOM! What the hell was that, anyway??"
MadDog and Hatch look at each other...
"Cool!" they say together.
Digger decides to slaughter a pig and mount its head on a stake to commemorate the joyous occasion. Strych continues:
"And look who else I found."
Archangel, Lone Star and Sandie peek from behind the remnants of a brick wall. Archangel looks worried.
"Is it safe to come out yet?"
"Yeah! Come on out and join the party! There's plenty of dead pig for everyone."
Digger tosses the newcomers a bit of dead pig.
"..."
"Where the hell did that pig come from anyway, Digger?!?"
"It's better not to ask..."
MadDog looks puzzled.
"Well then, how did you guys survive?"
Archangel, Sandie and Lone Star look at each other, but stay silent. Strych finally breaks the silence.
"Umm.. well they were... sorta... in the crapper with me."
"UGGGHHH YUCK!" cries MadDog, Hatch, Digger and zen, staggering around, waving their arms around.
"You called?"
Duck flies down from the skies, and lands on Digger's shoulders.
"Hey guys. I was flying overhead and saw this HUGE explosion. What the hell WAS that?"
MadDog and Hatch look at each other again, giving each other the thumbs-up.
MadDog cries "Ducko! I'm so glad you're ali..."
Digger grabs Duck, and impales him next to the pig.
"... Hmmm… Easy come, easy go..."
Tank looks down on the slaughtered Duck.
"Oh well this is just bloody wonderful you wads... I've spent days house training & mind controlling him. I'll need a replacement now..."
She zooms in on LoneStar & gestures to Strych & Zen.
"Yep - That Ham-fed Texan will be just the ticket"
LoneStar has a Yank-toothed grin on his face as big as Texas.
"I'll wipe that grin off his face soon enough... time to break him in grrrls"
The Duck twitches...
Weary after ripping the heads of two animals (not one but TWO), Digger slowly settles down for the night on a lilo filled with delicious Mango Jelly.
"Hey it's like a wine bladder out of a cask, ya can drink the contents but first ya can use it as a pillow."
His dreams are distorted… twisted… somewhat warped... bent... Dreams of the pig's head and Duck's head talking while he is asleep… about nothing, and I mean nothing...
…they chattered all night until an eerie dawn showed the wasteland around... ash... ash... and more ash.
Everywhere.
Umm I took too long a break from reality... I forgot where this was headed...
Oh that's right...
The Supermarket!
The intrepid gang, carrying their markers of one pig's head and one Duck's head, move off into the morning in search of the Supermarket.
For they need more jelly crystals!
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